I’m guilty

Exploring emotions

Guilt as a way to take back control. Because if I’m the one in the wrong, the apology I so badly need, I’ll get.

The encounter with the actual guilty one taught me they’ll never say sorry.

Taking on guilt, is a cry for comfort.

I’ll make it better.

Guilt also as a way to face the scary act. If I did it to myself, then I can face it.

Guilt as a way to distance myself from the guilty one. If they are not responsible, I never have to see their face again. I never have to stand across them in court and see that smirk again.

Guilt makes it my business and my business only. I’ll deal with it the best way I know how. I’m both the perpetrator and the victim. I’ll get the correct medicine according to how painful it is.

Guilt is my self care. Guilt is my retreat.

If I see where I went wrong, there’s a possibility of making sure it never happens again. I can prevent it this time. It’s also a promise I make to myself: ‘next time I’ll protect you’

Deep down I know it was my job to protect me and deep down I know I failed.

Now sitting in the corner, blaming myself, feels healing. The incident has taught me something new: I cannot trust the next person to protect me. In fact, I should be ready to be hurt by the next person at any point.

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared. I was definitely not smart or lucky enough to avoid it.

That is my fault.

I now fall into sleep, tomorrow I’ll decide on the punishment I deserve.

Thembeka