I’m not popular

Exploring emotions

When you’ve been hurt, popularity is a very important factor because you believe that someone hurt you because they hated you that much.

It is what we teach each other:

I do nice things towards you because I love you

I do unpleasant things to you because I hate you

.. and so the pop race begins ..

I didn’t care to be popular, I had to be popular, a matter of survival. I took the route of obedience. If I followed the rules, if I went with the flow .. surely you’d have no choice but to love me.

It worked with parents ..

If I do as I’m told, I received more love as I was making life easier in the household.

In the real world, it didn’t quite work. I just got sick from pushing myself aside.

Add to the wound, money. Even if I convince myself that I didn’t need to be popular that it’s not important.

I don’t get the job if I don’t impress the interview

I don’t get the client if I don’t smile and I’m pleasant

I don’t get the deal if I’m not liked

Heck,

I don’t even get Substack likes/followers, if they don’t like me.

So it’s pull and push of knowing logically that I don’t like entering the popularity contest and then very fast being reminded of my outstanding bills.

I don’t necessarily believe wanting to be liked is evil, I just think it’s a disservice to someone that’s already injured.

How would they know where to draw the line?

I think of all the times that I wanted some man to like me, many times he already did but I’d still offer sex as a bargain. The injury makes it hard to know when to stop or even if it’s necessary.

I think of all the times I offered free coaching consultations. I went to school for it. I have years of experience, yet even now I might pay for a client to work with me. I’m that desperate. Maybe if I offer a free service they’ll validate me, maybe even like me.

I’m not to be trusted in the contest of being liked.

Then of course I read a self help book and it convinces me that I’m enough and I’m value-able and I grow wings and ready to fly ..

Money laughs at me with that evil laugh ..

Who do I think I am?