I’m obsessing about weight .. it’s easier

I am back at it again, just like I was at 24yrs old. It’s close to midnight and I’m hit by a storm of anxiety. Within 2mins I Google ‘how to lose 40pounds in one week’. I get more desperate and sad as I read ‘it is not possible’.

I put down my phone.

What does the internet know anyway?

I’m looking for ways to feel better. I’m looking for a way to make whats bothering me as small as I can handle. If I realise just how much I’m carrying, I might not make it. I have to keep eyes closed and keep moving.

I have to convince myself that if I was a size 2 again, I wouldn’t know what anxiety is.

It’s a lie that could keep these wheels turning. Because if I did tell the truth. If I said exactly what it is that I’m facing, baby .. we’d need something stronger.

Weight it is then.

I need to lose 40 pounds. I can already taste the sweetness of finally being in control again. The joy of saying no and counting calories and feeling a sense of achievement at the end of the day because I conquered hunger ..

.. but then I remember ..

I remember times just before midnight where I’d Google ‘am I eating enough nutrients’ and ‘will I die of B12 deficiency’ that would be straight after a whole day of green juice and a large salad. I wanted to make sense of the anxiety. Worrying about nutrients felt like something I could handle.

I was losing control and to regain control, I’d eat unhealthy and feel a sense of relief, and now as we meet here again ..

I want to regain control by practicing a healthy lifestyle.

I’ll play all kinds of games with my spirit just so I don’t lay on the table the real issue. I make the small issues big just to fill the gap. I’ll obsess over a piece of bread or whether the green juice had enough apple so I don’t die.

Back to where you found me at the beginning of this letter ..

Reddit.

I’m subconsciously collecting all the negative comments about losing weight fast. Some said check for diabetes, cancer and so on. See, I need data should I manage to lose this weight fast. I need something stashed away that I could worry about then.

I’m no fortune teller ..

.. but I can already see what my Google search would be then ..

‘How to tell early signs for diabetes’

Why did I choose weight as the subject of obsession?

My body is the easiest part of me to bully. I can switch it on and off as I please. Spiritually I can’t.