Myself and Money

A Little Sunday Rant

Money as a highly controlled commodity.

Water is controlled. Land is controlled. So control is pretty common. What is defeating about money is not only controlled but invented too. No results easier to manipulate than one’s manipulator came up with.

I’m less frightened by the idea of natural commodities being controlled than them being captivated and made into something totally opposite to what they are originally.

A very selfish concern, of course.

Back to money …

The amount of time I’ve spent learning what it is, how to make it, how to NOT spend it and hopefully how to keep it with me forever so I never have to suffer ..

.. now learning ..

I don’t get money according to my hard work. I don’t save it according to my spending habits (I dropped those to zero and I got broker, all the way to the ground)

What hurts isn’t just the fact that I have zero say on what I use daily and what truly decides how free I am, what hurts is the number of times I dragged myself down. If only I did that course somebody suggested at 20. If only I skipped ordering desert last night. If only I bought a house 20yrs ago ..

.. it wouldn’t have mattered …

Money never liked me. It didn’t like my true family. I knew this as a three year old. It has always found me ugly and tasteless.

It never stayed. Not once. I’ve never had it sit in my account for months and just watch it grow. No. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m lucky if I see it for two days.

I remember following the advice we’ve all heard. Save. I’d put it on an interest account, rub my hands together and get ready to watch it grow ..

In less than three weeks I’d receive a call ‘so and so is unwell and they need exactly what’s on the account to not die’ (spoiler: they died anyway) or car is now broken and what I have in emergency funds won’t cover it .. just like that .. gone ..

.. don’t get me started on spending ..

Checking my receipts after every shopping trip because it certainly feels like I was overcharged. I wasn’t. It’s gone.

.. don’t get me started on shame ..

How I’d steal from my uncle’s shop as a little girl just to get by. (Well, I was working there for free) Either way, it leaves a certain stench on one’s being.

Money hates me so much I have to steal.

Money hates me so much I end up without a home

Money hates me so much I suppress desires to avoid disappointment

.. and that’s that ..

Thembeka